Photo: 6 inches of snow today. Barely plowed. Had to go out.. just exhausting. The Orioles are playing today in Camden Yards. I’d give just about anything to be home right now.

 

Just before we moved into this house, I felt a lump in my breast and freaked out. I saw my primary physician, she felt around, sent me to get an ultrasound. Readers who have been with me for a while probably remember my writing about it–it turned out to be nothing. A small piece of fatty tissue called a lipoma. Considered harmless, I was told that it can become irritated, so stop messing with it. If there are any changes, come back again.

Well, last month there was a change. Pain in the area connected, I think, to my cycle. I happened to have a physical scheduled anyway, so I sat on it and let my physician know. She felt around, reassured me that it didn’t feel serious, but wanted to reassure me–so she scheduled another ultrasound. I felt better. I just want to know…

So this morning, snow falling and everything, I dropped my boys off at school and popped over to the hospital for a 9:30 appointment.

I’d distracted myself this weekend by thinking about all the big, glorious things that we have in store as a family and I have to look forward to personally. There is writing, there are projects with my sister, there are so many things that we want to do to the house and the yard… I kept my eye on the large delights that are ahead of me. The distraction got me to today, but when I woke up this morning, all of my anxiety solidified as a heavy boulder on my intestines. I hugged my husband for a long time this morning, admitted that I was scared. He kissed me and told me I was fine, then went on to work.

The worst part about this morning was the waiting. There were multiple steps to get registered, multiple procedures that needed to be done, and each of those stages came with long waits. Constrained by school time, the anxiety only intensified with the passing minutes. I had to get two tests: a mammogram and an ultrasound.

Have you ever  had a mammogram, Dear Reader? Today was my first. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. Quiet unpleasant. Lots of cold plastic on warm skin, lots of bending, lots of “hold this here” and “pull this over here,” lots of squeezing, so much squeezing and “don’t breathe, don’t breathe, don’t breathe,” until “go ahead and breathe” and release.

So many pictures. Then it was “go back to the waiting room for your ultrasound while we wait for the results.”

I did so. For an hour. Over an hour, actually.

I explained I had to pick up my children. I had been there since 9:30. Could someone please see me?

The weather had slowed everything up. People coming in late. Etc etc…

I called the school and asked if it would be ok if I was “15 minutes late or so?” I don’t always love this preschool, but I was beyond grateful for the “yes, please, don’t even think about it. Take the time you need.”

As soon as I hung up the phone, the tech was standing behind me waiting for me. I laid down on the exam bed and she squirted on the (mercifully warm) gel and put the ultrasound instrument on my skin

and looked around. And couldn’t find anything. So I shifted position. There it was.

“Oh, it looks like it’s a little bigger than last time,” she said. “Maybe?”

“Okay,” I said.

“There is certainly a change from last time. But it’s not a lot. But it’s something. I’m going to go get Doctor [–] to look it over. I’ll be right back.”

Just imagine being in a darkened room on a hospital bed, next to a machine that’s putting out plenty of white noise. It’s cold, you’re hungry and tired, you’ve got gel that’s slowly melting and dripping off your shoulder and into your hair.You’re in a funky hospital gown that’s covering you, but isn’t helping you. All you can think of is picking up your children in the nasty weather outside and how you didn’t leave anything to thaw on the kitchen counter

and you realize a lot of time has passed.

Where is the doctor?

The knot comes back. It’s taking too long. Why is it taking so long?

When the doctor comes in, she says, “there is a change for sure. I just looked at it. I think I want to look at it again.”

She puts you in position, looks, can’t find it. You shift position, she finds it. She has you shift and move while the camera is on it.

“Ok.”

She rubs her hands.

“Given everything, I recommend a biopsy. Just to have someone consider the options.”

Sometimes in the movies, someone delivers a devastating line to the main actor and then the sound cuts out. Sometimes it’s silent. Sometimes it’s rushing air. Sometimes it’s just muffled sound and sorrowful music. It’s dramatic, for sure, but it’s real. As soon as she said biopsy, my brain cut out.

“But I want to tell you that I don’t think you have cancer. I see your face, I’m seeing that look–”

“I have two young boys,” I mumbled.

I have two young boys. We’re talking about trying again. We have all this stuff to do. We just got here. We just got settled. I’m so far from home. I can’t do this so far from home, so far from people who love me.

“I just want someone to look at it. They might take it out, they might not. It’s bothering you and we should know, because it’s vague here. So I’m going to give you this card of the surgeon who we recommend.”

“Okay.” I couldn’t hold back the tears. I was trying to hold it together. Grace is so difficult, especially under the circumstances.

“Here, this is one of [the cards]. And there is another. My assistant will get the other one for you. Listen, I need a few more pictures of your upper right breast. I think there are some benign [medial word… calcifications?] up there, but they are at the edge of the film. I just want to be sure.”

“My right breast? Not my left one?”

“Yeah, no. The right one. Just a few more pictures. We’ll send you back to the waiting room, ok?”

“Okay.” More tears.

“But… I just want to say again, because I just want you to hear it: I don’t think you have cancer.”

“Okay.” I thought I should say something else. Southern politeness kicked in after a pause. “Thank you.”

The tech took me back out to the hallway. I tried to wipe away the tears. She was talking. I just kept saying “okay” at appropriate intervals. I sat in my seat and waited. I texted my Mom. I texted my husband. They had questions, but I couldn’t answer because I was sent back to the Mammogram room.

Two Mammogram rooms, many pictures and another 40 minutes later, I was told I could leave. “The Mammogram came back fine,” I was told. “It’s good we have a baseline now!” She gave me some forms.

“What do I do now?”

“Wait on your primary and she’ll give you direction. Okay? Thank you so much for your patience. Are you ok?”

I was doing everything I could to not fall apart. The tears came rolling down. There was nothing I could do.

“Okay. You’ll be ok. Let’s get you dressed. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“And if you have questions, call [this number]. I always have questions when I leave the doctor. We’re here to answer them, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

I got dressed, went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. I stepped outside into the snow and unhappily cleaned off my car. A Black man was unloading a truck not far from me. “Some weather, huh? New England, yeah?”

“It’s Opening Day in Baltimore. I wish I was home.”

The man shrugged. Why is this crazy woman thinking about Baltimore?

I got my babies from school an hour late. The principal was so gracious, the boys were so happy. I couldn’t keep together, tears in my eyes as I thanked her for keeping them past time for me. “Oh, don’t worry about it. Never worry about us. We’re the easy ones.” She didn’t understand the give she’d given me by keeping them. I’ll bake her bread for Wednesday.

I’m so tired, Dear Reader. I know what the doctor said, but I also know what she didn’t say. It would be a lot better if it was, “it all checks out. You’re good to go.” But this little bit of something… this extra step… it makes me so uneasy.

There is nothing I can do until I see the next set of doctors. I’ll share as I am able, Dear Reader.

Until Wednesday, take care.

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “All I Heard was “Biopsy”

  1. Sending warmth from my heart to you.
    Step by step.
    I’ve never had a mammogram, but went with a dear friend to support her while she had the procedure.
    She comes with me when I need to have medical tests done.
    Friendly support and a second set of ears and someone to tell innapropriate jokes with is always a good thing.
    Wishing you ease in mind as much as possible.

    • Thank you, friend. I’m so grateful.

      I wish I’d brought a friend with me. There are a couple women I could have called who would have come. We’re all living these mom lives and, frankly, this is such a morbid thing… I didn’t want to burden anyone. I wish I’d been brave enough to ask someone. Might have made the going a bit easier. I won’t go alone next time. Inappropriate jokes would have been super helpful.

      I do so appreciate your thoughts, Marneymae. I still don’t have an appointment for the next steps. When I do, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I’m watching the snow melt. Ya’ll got snow too, right?

      I also saw the kits this afternoon. They’ve taken on their red fur already! Beautiful!

      • It takes practice stepping over that burden story. I get it.
        Worth the butterflies & whatever else that comes up with asking.
        … Try this, put yourself in one of your friends shoes, if they asked you to come with them or to be with them to make a phone call for something nerve-wracking…?
        Just an exercise to consider.
        We got a touch of snow, yes.
        So lovely that there’s a fox family in your midst.
        Blessings on the wild things.
        I’m glad they are welcome in your world.

  2. It’s so easy to say, but keep focusing on those words, “I don’t think you have cancer.” I’d be exactly the same as you in your position; trying to be brave, sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing massively, but please, please…remember you’re not alone, thank goodness for family and friends and thank goodness for a bunch of strangers on the internet who all wish you well. Lots of love and positive vibes. Devjani.xxx

    • Thank you, thank you. I’m grateful for these thoughts. While there were very lonely moments yesterday morning, I was reminded multiple times that I wasn’t alone. And writing out my experience here made me feel so much better afterward. I’m grateful for your positive energy, and for your choosing to send a little love to a stranger across the world.

      And I hope that your move is going smoothly. It would seem that we are all families in transition.

    • And I send my prayers and well wishes to you as well. I hope that you are getting good medical care and that your support system is solid and wonderful. It’s not an easy journey, but it seems that no one is alone in it.

  3. Sending you prayers sis! God is a healer and I tell you that I am taking it to the Lord in prayer. I went through a similiar situation with an endocrinologist who recommended a biopsy in my neck. I wasn’t 30. I was newly married and scared. I went to the hospital and the technician just looked around, left the room and called someone. That doctor came in then examined me silently whispering to the technician as tears streamed down my face. He finally responded that he was the chief of radiology and that he didn’t think I needed to do a biopsy. He said glands tend to be fatty, but there was no reason to biopsy the glands in my neck. I just sat there thanking God. I say this to say that you have to remain positive and focused on your family. God is the healer in all situations. Prayers will go up so that blessings can come down.

    • I’m so grateful to you, Tikeetha. Thank you, thank you. I haven’t had a chance to really get down on my knees and pray it out. I usually take my time at church on Friday mornings when the boys are at school and the sanctuary is empty. I know there will be more tears… one more round. Then I’m gonna get good.

      I believe in the power of prayer. So to know that you are sending some up, I know that blessings and healing will surely come down. I’m grateful. I really am.

      I have now heard no less than 5 such stories from other women. I guess doctors really need to cover all of their bases these days. That means scaring all of us to death! I’m glad that you’re ok. I’m glad your doctor knew what to do.

      And I’m grateful, as ever, for your presence here. And I love your blog so much. Thank you a million times.

      • Girl yes. They want to just do their due diligence. They have no idea how we are coping and functioning. When is your next test? I’m creating a prayer circle? There is power in prayer and our God’s got you sis.

    • Thank you so much, Miriam. It means a lot to me. I have my appointment tomorrow and I’ll be sure to update. In the meantime, I hope that you are taking care of yourself and that you are ok. Sending positive thoughts toward the eastern horizon.

Thank you for contributing to the discussion!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s