Photo: My notebooks are big and bulky, but goodness do I love them. These beauties are the only way I’ve been able to get any writing done this summer. Hopefully I’ll keep writing, getting better and sell something some day so I can buy myself a hot little Surface and get my digital portability back. Until then, I’m actually enjoying kickin’ it old school and analog.
I don’t know how many times I sat down at this computer yesterday. I had all sorts of good intention (though, admittedly, I was pretty empty on what to write about) and every time I did, something blew up. Little boys broke a toy. Little boys pushed and hit. Little boys wanted and needed. Little boys must know where mommy is. The phone rang. A text came in. Someone popped by. My universe was not about blogging yesterday.
I made two mistakes yesterday: my first mistake was thinking that I could bang out a quick short story for my writing group and get a quality Quiet Thoughts post written while also, mistake number two, not taking the boys anywhere. We had a pretty full week of playdates and away-from-home excursions and I just couldn’t do another one. I used the weatherman’s forecast of “occasional downpours” as an excuse. Let’s just stay home and play, I told the boys. Ya’ll chill out in the playroom for once.
Big mistake. It was like winter all over again. They were here, they were there, they were everywhere.
Being reflective, I made a third mistake: I decided not to write a draft in my notebook before bringing it to digital life (which I’m also doing now). That’s right, Dear Reader, the no-nap world has got me all old school. I bought myself two very nice notebooks and a few nice mechanical pencils so that I can write out my ideas, stories and blog posts while anywhere. It’s actually quite satisfying to write out your thoughts with tangible instruments rather than just seeing them pop on the screen. Besides, if my notebook is downstairs I can pop it in and out of my lap depending on what little boys get themselves into and nothing bad will happen. I’ve sometimes spent all day getting my thoughts out simply because of all the interruptions (for context, when I just sit and concentrate, my average 1,000 word post is usually written in just under an hour).
I thought I could just sit down at this computer and bang out a post, play some Minecraft and go to bed last night.
Guess what? When I sat here at 9:30 (yeah, that’s when our day ended yesterday because little boys had a hell of a meltdown during bed/bath time), my brain just farted. Farted. It was like, “really, girl? You think I’m gonna produce profound ideas under the current circumstances? You must have lost… well, me. pffffffffffffffttttttttttt.”
So it goes.
I feel like I write this a lot, but we’re a family in transition. Not the kind of major transition that we did two years ago, but a small one that is still of significance. Minor is going through a growth spurt, Major is definitely exploring new aspects of his personality and character, and we parents are trying to hold it together, even as we face our own personal challenges (and the challenges that we have to face together).
It’s the perfect formula for exhaustion in its purest form. The kind that sneaks up on you and smacks you right at the back of the head. That’s what happened to me last night. I was rendered incapable of thought and reason, let alone Quiet Thoughts.
So I apologize. You know how much I like to keep this regular schedule.
And believe it or not, I thought I’d have this post done earlier this morning, but the boys were up before me again, ready to go, ready to rip and race. It’s all so pure and innocent, and yeah, lovely, to see them grow and stretch but, it’s jarring. You get used to a schedule, you think it’s going to stick, and then they turn around to physically break it. The boys and their growth means that we have to adjust our expectations, our interactions, our plans… sometimes the shifts are small, even pleasant, but I feel like this is a big thing going on and we’ve got two little boys who are poised to take up a little more air, a little more space, a lot more of our mental resources. What you know as up is now down, what you know as night is now so irrevocably day… and so we as parents rearrange, a sacrifice here, a test of patience there… and that takes a toll too, you know?
Inevitably, The Husband and I will roll with it. What else can we do? This is what we signed up for. But I always wonder, as we go through these things, what the cost is: to us individually and to the two of us as a couple. We’ve been doing this dance for thirteen years, and we’ve been alright. But it’s harder when there are two other folk who are constantly trying to butt in, stepping on all of our toes in the process.
Don’t let all the mom blogs fool you, ya’ll. It ain’t all smooth and it ain’t all easy. We live, but as we do so, we give. Just a little bit. That, too, is probably the point, for better or for worse.
It is a cloudy but cooler Saturday, Dear Reader, and I’m hella late with my wishes. I’m sorry! So, I wish you a moment of forgiveness this weekend. For me. Very specifically. 🙂 For I am quite human, and in my 30s, I’m learning quite well that I have a wall, it is real, and no, I can’t slam into it with the hopes that it will give! Silly me…
Anyway, I also wish you time to forgive yourself, for what you may have done or what you may have left undone this week. For we are all quite human, and we all have our own walls to slam into. When you’re done with that, I wish you a good stiff drink, enjoyed responsibly and with someone you love. I wish you an ear of corn, high-summer sweet, cooked or raw, and something fun to go with it like a corn husk doll. Maybe you should stretch and learn how to make one this weekend? I wish you the smell of grass, a view of still blooming flowers, a passing friendly bird with a song to sing. And when your day is done, I wish you a feeling of accomplishment and a kiss on the cheek. Because, flawed and wonderful as you are Dear Reader, you are loved and you are worthy of that love. So bask in it for a moment before reflecting some of it back.
Until Monday, with an on time post probably written by hand first, take care.